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W W W. M A I N E B I Z . B I Z 13 J U LY 1 1 , 2 0 1 6 H OW TO How to argue, properly B Y J I M M I L L I K E N T his very intense, very intelligent guy startled me by saying some- thing I never had heard before. He interrupted a vigorous argu- ment with me by saying, "You know, Jim, I see your point now. I agree with you. You're right." I was beyond surprised. Why did he do that? I've thought about that conversation often, and it has changed my basic think- ing about why and how to disagree. I now understand that the man understood argument in its fi nest sense, as an oppor- tunity to jointly seek truth and value. At fi rst look, this idea may seem ridic- ulous. But if you put aside conventional thinking, it changes the entire perspective. Some people set out to win all their arguments. Some never win any. Many, perhaps most, rarely argue at all. oughtful people disagree with all of them. ey know that all three types — those who dominate, those who lose the battles and those who avoid engagement entirely — are missing important opportunities. None of the three really know how to reap the ben- efi ts of constructive interaction amid diff erences. ey misunderstand what argument can be and what it can do. Disagreement has value When you argue properly, everybody wins. All involved are enriched and empowered. No one is fully right all the time, and truth can be revealed when points of view are presented and contested. Vigorous engagement over strongly held views helps us see greater distances and develop deeper understanding. It starts with attitude, why you are arguing. is is where the win/ lose thing must be understood. If you are disagreeing as a competition, or to punish the other person, then a mutual outcome is off the table. Similarly, the arousal of excessive anger, fear, shame or other negative emotion can make a useful outcome very diffi cult, if not impossible. ere will be scars. Behaviors such as sarcasm, insult, attack questions and similar tactics can "win" the moment, but the rela- tionship will pay the price. Sometimes we don't know why we're arguing, because we got into this situation without a lot of thought. Some criticism or a careless word can trigger a spontaneous response … and you're off to the races. Develop verbal discipline Avoiding the thoughtless remark that ignites unnecessary disagreement requires discipline. But it is a worth- while investment of time and eff ort. Similarly, thoughtful management of workplace conversations can pre- vent unforced errors and ensure that dangerous moments are detected and navigated successfully. A positive attitude also directs proactive development of the skills of successful relationships — starting with attention and listening. Each person we work with, or come in contact with in any other setting, has unique values, likes and dislikes. When we focus attention on those people rather than ourselves, we are positioned to most successfully relate to them. e way we behave in such moments should be primarily directed outward: We ask constructive and encouraging questions, we listen attentively and we are alert to nonverbal signals. When the context is one of dis- agreement, all the same factors pertain — only more so. If we don't know the other person wel l, caution is the byword. When there is an existing connection, we keep its limits and possibilities in mind as we proceed. Every moment we spend with another person aff ects the growth or erosion of our relationship with that person. Common sense and courtesy tell us to handle the occasion constructively. When we conclude a disagreement with respect intact – whether or not we now agree on the substance — it's a win-win. J i m M i l l i K e n , a Po r t l a n d c o n s u l t a n t s p e c i a l i z i n g i n communication and management, presents a project management curriculum in USM's Professional Development Program and is on the board of the Association for Consulting Expertise and the Maine Chapter, Project Management Institute.He can be reached at Jim @ milliKenProJeCT.Com Catherine Wygant Fossett 798-2667 Catherine@fambusiness.org | www.fambusiness.org Wednesday, July 20th SUCCESSION PLANNING 101: An Integrated Planning Model for the Family Business presented by Jane Hilburt-Davis, president of Key Resources, LLC Wednesday, August 24th AWARENESS, COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN SUCCES- SION PLANNING: The Game of Ten Played presented by Steve Barton, president of Barton Associates and Elizabeth Reuthe, president of Elizabeth Reuthe Associates both graduates of Gestalt International Study Center Thursday, September 29th SUCCESSION STRATEGIES PANEL DISCUSSION: Estate Plans including Family Transition / Coop / ESOP Ownership with panelists: Steve Tenney, Family Wealth Management Partners, UBS with Jim Costello, Jr., Sun Media Group; Rob Brown, Cooperative Development Institute with Susanne Ward, Rock City Roasters and Jeannine Pendergast, Spinnaker Trust with Danielle Moody of Moody's Collision Centers. Seth Webber, BerryDunn will facilitate this discussion on how to successfully transition a family business within your family, to a Coop or to an ESOP versus an outside sale. Join us for a 3-part series on Succession Planning. All programs at Husson University, Southern Campus in Westbrook from 8-10:30am Register for one, two or all three sessions online http://fambusiness.org/event-2261959 Success and Succession are from the same Word. Sponsored by Member FDIC HEROES • HOPE • HEALING McDonald's Golf Classic Sixth Annual JOIN US IN THE FIGHT AGAINST CHILDHOOD CANCER AUGUST 8, 2016 PENOBSCOT VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB ORONO, MAINE PRESENTED BY TO BENEFIT EMMC Raish Peavey Haskell Children's Cancer and Treatment Center and For more information contact EMMC Foundation at 973.5055 or visit mcdonaldshhhgc.org I now understand that the I now understand that the I now understand that the I now understand that the I now understand that the I now understand that the I now understand that the I now understand that the I now understand that the man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument man understood argument in its fi nest sense, as an opportunity to jointly seek truth and value.

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